"Go away, I"m no good for you..."

In 1965, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons released the hit, "Dawn" in which the phrase (and my title) "go away I'm no good for you..." appears. This phrase gives us a glimpse into a common psychological phenomenon in romantic love, namely, the phenomenon of self-sacrifice for the benefit of the beloved. But there is also another common theme here that is less talked about; and that is the theme of self-hatred. In the song, the singer is trying to persuade Dawn to leave him and stay with another guy and suggests:

"Now think what the future would be
with a poor boy like me..."

compared with what the other fellow has to offer:

'Think, what a big man he'll be
Think, all the places you'll see."

The thing is, although this song is sung by a boy to a girl, it could just as easily be a girl singing to a boy and trying to persuade him to "go away" because of some circumstances in her own life that she thinks are not good for him; or even for their relationship. On the surface it certainly seems as though the singer has the girl's "best interests" at heart when "wants" are subjugated to the assumed superior value of "money," "prestige," or "travel." Indeed, it is just this very juxtaposition that seems to give romantic love all the pathos and drama that make it popular and desirable.

Literature, poetry and songs are littered with references to the self-abasing lover who, in one breath, claims "I love you 'til my dying breath..." while in the next breath warns "I never want to hurt you..." Of course, in the latter phrase, the unspoken promise is: "in all likelihood I will hurt you, so beware." So, how is it that these two very strong feelings are able to co-exist in the same person?

Although we speak of the unconscious, it is not nearly so un- as we might think. In Freud's famous little book, "The Psychopathology of Everyday Life," we get a vivid introduction into how explicit our "sub-conscious" world really is. There he claims that there are no such things as accidents but only expertly planned events kept hidden from our waking mind. In other words, what we usually term "accidents" are actually self-inflicted wounds. He says we always know what we are thinking and how we will act; and we also have a pretty good handle on how willing we are to make changes to that script. In the song, neither character seems willing to give up the assumptions that undergird their positions; the girl is unwilling to relinquish her obvious affinity for the money, prestige, and travel; and the boy has the fear of the responsibility that Love ushers in and also the unwillingness to address the basic insecurity he has about himself that he is unwilling to abandon.

It is not uncommon for individuals to feel "embarrassed" by their "unworthiness" of someone whom they love deeply; in part, that is a function of the Love itself; but it also has something owing to the lack of psychological maturity of the individual. This usually shows up as a feeling of "not being enough" for the other person. The actual form that this feeling takes varies from person to person; women feel it as not being beautiful enough, thin enough, sexy enough, etc; while men experience it as not being strong enough, influential enough, rich enough, etc. In either case, it is a groundless fear because valuable, lasting relationships and authentic Love exist quite apart from all of those considerations.

This is actually the reason that such romantic "scripts" evoke a great deal of sadness in us. We really know that these tactics are false and that Love has no need of these extraneous considerations; yet we willfully abandon Love for some cheap piece of maudlinity and the resulting sadness we feel is the separation anxiety that Love feels for Itself; we fragment Love and split it up and this is grievous to Love.

Imagine, for a moment, the lives of the people in the song if the advice offered is actually heeded; and further imagine that this love they proclaimed for each other was, indeed, Love. Since Love cannot be denied, then no life built around the pretender to Love can ever be brought to Truth. This incongruity will be experienced by each not only in their minds, but in their feelings and body as well. Love is the bond holding all together; to deny its presence is to affirm self-fragmentation. As I wrote in a previous post, you can call a dog's tail a leg all you want, but that doesn't make it a leg; and you can protest that Love is not present, but that cannot make it go away; and no matter how much you call love, Love, it can never hold things together and collapse is unavoidable.

The cure for this, of course, is to grow up and discover the Love that lies behind Being; to discover the Bond uniting all of creation. Be still; know: "I AM" God. Be still; know: "I AM" Love.


Enjoy Frankie and the Four Seasons in this Youtube of the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bE40KM4SGAY&feature=related